In a previous post I mentioned how some couples have actually separated after the loss of a child. This was something I did not know about until we lost Brad. The thought of losing a child and then separating because of it does not sit well with me. I started hearing stories of this- mostly in the form of advice from several people. People that were concerned that this could happen to us. We were so far from that. I have referenced a term many times in my past posts: “Small Win”. How could anything be a win after losing a child? I assure you that during the first year we saw no wins. Everything was the worst. Even small problems seemed to carry crushing effects. But looking back, after trying to find peace and positivity in my life, I have chose to re-think some of these instances. If I am going to find the positive in this negative situation, I have to go back.
Believe it or not, the day we put Brad’s ashes in the water, we thanked him. It was just the three of us there. Sarah, myself, and Brad approached his forever spot. We had not discussed what we would say. We sat there speechless for a few minutes. Finally, we decided to release his ashes, but before we did, we wanted to say a few words. It had only been a few days after his death, everything was still fresh in our mind. Sarah began to tell him what he meant, how much she loved him, and how he had changed us so much. Then I realized right there, that he had in fact had more of an impact on us than anyone or anything in both of our lives, negatively and positively. I also spoke up, confirming Sarah’s words. We thanked him repeatedly. In that moment, we went on and on about how he, our son, brought us so close to each other. He had given us a new type of life, something we did not know existed until he came into the world. Sarah and I were so much closer. He had given us that. Was that his purpose? I can answer that for him, yes it was. Our son was only in this world for a brief time, but he left the largest impact. So at the time we were telling him this, we were already discovering a type of “Small Win”. But as I said earlier, we saw no wins during the first year. It is only now, by writing, that I have discovered so much. As you read this, do not forget that the purpose of writing this in general was so I would never forget a single moment. In the future I will be able to use these writings. Hopefully I will find new things along the way, even if its years from now.
There are so many things that we will never get to know about Brad, but at least we know his purpose in life.