I could not begin to tell you much about the morning leading up to what would be the worst day of our lives. Though two things about that morning, I do still remember. One was the fact that I had stopped in to the local barber shop for a haircut that morning. Nothing was abnormal about that. I used to go there every other week. However, the second thing I remember was quite abnormal.
I will start by giving you a brief description of one of my co-workers, we will call her Star. She has an extremely positive outlook on life. Her positive energy can be felt while you are in her presence. There is not anything negative you can say about her. If she had one downfall, it would be that she smiles so much it makes you envy her happiness. Those that know her know that she is one of a kind. There is no duplicate.
I had worked with her for a couple of years at this point. It was not uncommon to bump into her on a daily basis around work. Though on this day, the encounter was different. It was time for me to leave work and meet Sarah at our final doctor’s appointment. This was to be the last visit. We were to discuss with the doctor the final details about inducing labor in exactly one week. As I walked out the gate and turned the corner, I noticed Star from behind. She was in the process of hugging two other girls from work, on the sidewalk. This was not surprising to me. It was not abnormal, but the three of them were blocking my walk way. I was only a few feet from my vehicle. The two other girls could see me trying to walk by, but her back was to me and she did not see me. This entire process did not take long, maybe 10 seconds. As she turned around and saw me waiting to get by, you could describe her initial emotion as one of slight embarrassment. Maybe I startled her, but her next move was not what I anticipated. She looked at me and smiled, and without much thought at all, she hugged me too. She had never hugged me. Hugging co-workers is not something that I do very often, it is just not me, but she did not care or even think about it. Could her hug have symbolized something? She did not know where I was leaving to go to. She had no clue that within 30 minutes of our contact I would be in the worst experience of my life. What did it mean? Why did it stick with me? I thought about it almost immediately after hearing the horrible news. I knew she would remember this moment too, because it was special. I knew that this was not just something that happens every day in her life. It was like someone was trying to give me some sort of comfort, and they chose the perfect person to send it through.
It took me a few weeks to return to work after that day. I had not spoken to many people at work until I returned. Truthfully, I wanted to talk to her so bad. The question was there. I thought about it almost daily. Did she remember this? Was it as meaningful to her as it was to me? Finally after days of her not being at work, she appeared. I was so joyed, but I had to keep in my happiness. What if she did not remember? We bumped into each other in the alley way. I immediately knew she wanted to talk. We stopped right where we made contact and we poured it all out. I asked her within the first minute of our initial contact. She remembered, I was so happy. She went on to explain the impact it had on her as well. She did know the irony of it. She put it together after she had learned the news. Our talk was great, it helped me so much. The anticipation was finally gone, I had my confirmation. She was the last person I made contact with prior to the horrible event. How fitting, the most positive uplifting person I know, giving me the ultimate sign of care.
I think that when we go through tough times, something inside of us tries to find the source, or the reason for why it happened. We lost our child that day. Nothing was going to change the severity of that, but I cannot let that be the end. Who knows if we will ever know the reason? What I do know is that there were so many positive moments that came wrapped deep within this. My biggest fear is that those multiple small positive moments will be forgotten and the only memory that remains will be the large negative one. I will not allow it.
I assure you that these occurrences happen to you more than you think. You will notice them if you keep your mind open, and full of positive thoughts.